Blame it on Azimio
by Gothicthundra
Summary: Azimio gets Dave a gift that ends up with Kurt and Dave on a humorus adventure to the porn store. Fluff. Friendship. T for adult product mentions.


Based on some interesting events.

**Blame it on Azimio**

Kurt sighed as he collapsed into the rolling chair. It was eighth hour and he was beat; physically and emotionally. He knew he should be happy Blaine had gotten the part, but he was more depressed at the face that he, Kurt Hummel, was Officer Krubkey…. He looked around the empty computer lab and glared, Dave had promised to meet him in here to discuss this PFLAG getting started, and boy did Kurt need the credentials. He tossed his bag on the table, just about ready to flip when Dave swung into the doorway. Kurt glared at him but was torn by the fact Dave looked to be fighting back laughter as he tossed his book and a large duffle bag on the counter.

"Sup, Kurt," beamed Dave, his body shaking from what Kurt had derived as fits of silent laughter.

"What.. kept you?" asked Kurt shaking his head.

"Azimio…" smiled Dave, shaking his head, his smile faded, "Sorry to see you didn't get the part you wanted."

"Oh yeah… well Blaine's perfect for it so… wait, you looked at the audition list?" asked Kurt.

"It was on my way here, so why not," sighed Dave, idly playing with the strap of the black bag.

"Yeah well, he'll do great, and I guess so long as they don't make my uniform look like a really bad version of Princess Leia's scout outfit from Star Wars, I'm okay with it," said Kurt, he glared.

"No you're not, your pissed… but want to know something hilarious?" asked Dave, still playing with the bag.

"Shoot," sighed Kurt, hoping to change the subject.

"Remember when I told you I came out to Z and he flipped his lid and shit," said Dave, Kurt didn't see any of that as funny, but Dave was smirking.

"Yes," said Kurt, brow raised.

"Well…" chuckled Dave.

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**Ten Minutes Earlier**

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Dave shoved the last book in his backpack so all he had to do was grab it when school let out. He was not looking forward to this… Would it be a pre-committee meeting? He was just about to shut his locker and head to the computer lab when Azimio came into his peripheral vision and he groaned. He did not want to deal with Azimio's homophobic bull today. He closed his locker, but it was already too late, Azimio was standing there fidgeting with a dufflebag and looking uncomfortable.

"Dude, like I said, if I give you the creeps, just stay the shit away," scoffed Dave, he was aiming to avoid a fight and get to the lab.

"Okay.. so I've been thinking about shit and all that stuff… and I went on this self-mission to be all… diversified and shit…. So ohm… can we forget you telling me didn't go so well," said Azimio with a sigh as he finished his small but strained speech.

"You called me a fag and that I was going to spread my gayness to the rest of the football team, whilst mumbling like a weeping five year-old," said Dave calmly.

"…. It didn't go that well, I know… okay listen… peace offering okay. I want to help and shit… and I know you ain't eighteen yet.. and you're my boy, so fuck it… here," sighed Azimio, giving him the bag, Dave looked inside, and his eyes shot open, "I didn't know what shit you liked… and I don't want to know… but… friends?"

"Dude… did you just… give me a bag full of porn?" asked Dave, before bursting into a fit of laughter.

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**Preasent**

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"He went to the porn store and grabbed like every gay porn magazine there was," laughed Dave as Kurt fell on the floor laughing, "I can safely say I have enough magazines to cover my walls with naked dudes and still have some left."

"Oh my god… the image… of Azimio Adams….. staring at gay porn, oh my god," laughed Kurt, "That would have been priceless."

"Nah, he probably marched in with that, 'I'm on a mission, bitch' on his face and darted to it… then freaked his shit," chuckled Dave.

"What… what did you tell him?" asked Kurt, calming down.

"I told him thanks and shit, but all head to do was tell me… he didn't have to spend like two hundred bucks on this shit…. There's a reason we have the internet," scoffed Dave, he smirked, "Hey Kurt… want some porn?"

"God no, I still have the ones April gave….. me…. But what kind you got?" asked Kurt, he shrugged, why not.

"Whatever your kink man, I think I have every kind…." Said Dave tossing the bag at Kurt, who cautiously opened it, only to burst into laughter.

"I wish there was a way to see his face…. Really…. Really? Meaty Cocks? Playgirl? Twinkleberry….. oh dear god…" laughed Kurt, closing it, the image of Azimio staring at the porn section was enough to kill any interest of rifling through possible dirty magazines.

"…. I wonder…" laughed Dave.

.=.=.=.

"There is no way they're going to let us it, we don't have any ID's and I forgot my fake one at home," said Kurt as they stood outside the closest porn store to Lima… The Den.

"We're just gonna ask if Azimio came in here, I jacked his picture from the school year book, just follow my lead," smirked Dave, Kurt blinked, this adventurous Dave was a new side all together.

"Okay," sighed Kurt following behind Dave trying not to look nervous as they entered The Den casually, the guy at the counter closed the book he was reading.

"Can I…"

"Hey, we were wondering if a friend of ours came in here?" asked Dave, cutting the guy off, Kurt raised his brow, "He got over fifty magazines… really nervous looking?"

"Dude… do you know how many people come in here looking nervous and jumpy… that describes like ninty percent of the clients here," sighed the guy, "Why?"

"Well… we wondering if there was a way to see if you got him maybe on camera?" asked Dave, handing the picture to the guy.

"Oh, him, yeah… came in mumbling and annoyed…. Nearly had a panic attack… yeah, he's on our camera," snickered the guy, Andy, now that Kurt saw his name tag, "Let me guess, he got the mags as a joke or some shit and you want to fuck with him by having the video?"

"Yeah, something like that," smirked Dave.

"We'll have to have you sign some papers, but we can defiantly get you some of the footage," laughed the guy, "I'll be right back. Hey Liz, you want to get some of the security papers for them to sign."

"Sure," smiled a bored looking blonde, "Here you go, just print your name and sign it. Pretty much it. It'll be a few minutes, so just chill… do whatever."

"Okay, thanks," beamed Dave, handing her the paper and smirking at Kurt.

"They didn't… ask us," whispered Kurt, his mind was racing, as horrible as it may have sounded to himself, he had planned on coming here in a few months, just to… well see it.

"Nope…." Snickered Dave, "Well…. I'm taking this opportunity."

"Oh my god," laughed Kurt as Dave casually trolled through the isles, just as a text came in from Puck, _Shit, booty camp!_

"What's up?" asked Dave, making Kurt jump as he leaned over his shoulder, "Is your boyfriend wondering where you are?"

"No, its… hey!" snapped Kurt as Dave jacked his phone, "What are you texting him?"

"No phones guys," said Liz, casually flipping whatever she was reading.

"I said, that your shopping for dildos with me," snickered Dave, Kurt's eyes shot open, wondering if Puck would read it as a joke or… his phone went off, just as he snatched it from Dave to read, **lol, good 1 man. Hury up Schues freaking.**

Kurt sighed, but gave Dave a scathing look at he headed down what he assumed was the discount isle, he felt his face flush at a few of the things, but picked up what looked like a cheaply made airsoft gun. _What is this doing in an adult store? _He clicked the trigger and something shot out, hitting Dave in the forehead, Kurt covered his mouth but the snort of laughter escaped anyways.

"Hummel, did you just…. Shoot me with a tiny penis dart?" asked Dave, yanking the suction cup penis from his head.

"You can't prove a thing," said Kurt, trying to remain calm as he put the gun back on the shelf.

"Oh, it's on," smirked Dave, Kurt saw him dart back down and decided it was best to move away from the area, he managed to clear passed the magazine rack and freeze at the section he was now looking at.

"What… that's terrifying… oh my god," said Kurt staring at a toy that was easily the size of his head, which was currently being pelted with something.

"Are you serious, I've thrown like ten penis erasers at your… the fuck?" asked Dave, staring at the same direction Kurt was.

"I don't even…. Wow…. I think were in the fetish section," said Kurt, shaking his head as he looked away from the distraction.

"Really, what gave that away, the zipper suits pinned on the wall, the leather chains, or the giant cocks?" asked Dave.

"Are you always so crude?" asked Kurt, picking up the penis erasers, and smirking, "Wonder what Puck would do if I threw these at him… Brittany would probably glue them on her barbies…"

"They would have permanent boners," said Dave, picking up one of the display vibrators.

"Don't touch them," said Kurt, as Dave turned it on, Kurt glared at him and pulled it away.

"Why is there batteries in them?" asked Dave.

"To try them out," said Liz, Kurt blinked as Dave whacked it out of his hand.

"Ew," said Dave.

"I think she meant for people to look at," sighed Kurt, picking up the flopping toy and tossing it on the shelf quickly, _just in case._

Twenty minutes, a few penis darts, some fetish disturbances, and an awkward moment looking at vibrators when Dave accidently voiced his size… the two were given the disc, both laughing as they bought a handful of penis and boob erasers. Dave waited by the door, wondering what was taking Kurt so long, until he came towards the end of the desk and grabbed the door handle.

"Oh my god Hummel, did you buy a toy?" asked Dave, Kurt heard the edge to his voice and was tempted to say no, but smirked instead.

"Wouldn't you like to know," winked Kurt, the girl snickered.

"You two are an hilarious couple," she chuckled.

"We're…." Dave began.

"Thanks you," Kurt cut him off and decided to do one over and grab Dave's hand, "Come on hun."

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.=.=.

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Dave leaned his head against his locker, he wanted to talk to Kurt about the whole shop thing, especially after something had gone down between Blaine and Kurt about some other guy. Dave hoped his joking hadn't been the cause of the split… he didn't care for Blaine, but regardless. Something hit him in the face and stuck, he blinked before yanking the dart off and bursting into laughter as he looked up to see Kurt with the orange nurf gun.

"Really? You bought the penis gun?" asked Dave, tossing the dart at him as he walked over and shoved it back in his bag.

"It's universal… I shot a vag at Santana earlier… she whipped it at me, and called me a few Spanish words I didn't catch, It was worth it," smirked Kurt leaning against the locker.

"Sorry to hear about you and prep," sighed Dave, he bit his lip, "That wasn't because of…"

"Our trip, oh god no… He thought that was hysterical… especially the footage of Azimio having a panic attack," chuckled Kurt, "No…. he ohm… he ran into an old friend and things got heated between the two… so yeah. Still friends though."

"I can kick his ass," shrugged Dave, and he found.. he really wanted to, _Did he cheat on Kurt or? How could he… he's… Kurt._

"Nah, Finn and Puck took out his car already… oh by the way, Puck is under the impression we're a thing or something, just a heads up," said Kurt, Dave saw his cheeks flush.

"Why?" asked Dave, he wondered if he could get away with touching Kurt's cheek, but he shook his head to clear his thoughts.

"Well the penis erasers made your joking statement a fact in his eyes…. Anyways… I just told him it was all Azimio's fault we went there… but he's not buying the truth," shrugged Kurt.

"I love how we just blame it on Z, that would explain why where Puck got kicked out of class for using his eraser he cursed at Z," chuckled Dave, "I still can't believe you bought the gun… why not something useful… like a toy."

"I don't need one," shrugged Kurt, looking across the hall, "I have hands… anyways so I was thinking.."

"Kurt… you're not recovering," said Dave, he felt his face go hot but tried not picturing that, "Kurt… can I ask you something?"

"Yes please," said Kurt, Dave smirked at the tone in Kurt voice that he was glad to move on.

"Why did you say that when we left?" asked Dave, looking at the smaller teen with curiosity.

"What was the point, she'd already assumed…" Kurt trailed off, Dave mused for a second that Kurt knew exactly what he'd been asking about.

"You could have nodded and left or let me correct it… or…"

"I didn't want you too…. I was enjoying our stupid, insane trip… it was fun and I didn't want her to kill the high I was on from hanging out with you," sighed Kurt, smoothing his hair and sleeves to busy himself.

"Kurt can I say something without you freaking out?" asked Dave after a long pause.

"Sure…" said Kurt.

"When you said that I… I really couldn't stop thinking about it and then you and Blaine broke up and I wanted to ask you…" Dave was cut off as Kurt's lips pressed against his for a brief second, "If you'd ever consider…"

"Yes," said Kurt, kissing Dave again, this time Dave responded and kissed back, a pink sound went off and something hit Dave in the crotch.

"The fuck!" snapped Dave glaring at Kurt bag, "Your gun just shot another one at me…"

"Ohm… it got excited," said Kurt, looking around nervously, but he was fighting back tears of laughter.

"Really?" asked Dave, Kurt shrugged and kissed him, "I don't know… we kiss and a penis hits me, I think we're moving a little fast here Kurt."

"It's Azimio fault….you know because he had to buy you porn," said Kurt, leaning in and kissing Dave again, "How am I going to compete with that if I don't throw a penis at you once in a while?"

"I can't kiss a magazine… or take it to dinner," said Dave, kissing Kurt again.

"You could…. But people would talk," said Kurt as Dave's hands slid around his waist.

"Do you have to have a comment for everything, can't I just kiss you?" asked Dave with a small chuckle, that was ended by Kurt's hands yanking his face into his.

Dave smiled into the kiss in a blissful array. He didn't care if someone walked down the hall right now. Kurt was kissing him…. Correction Kurt was deepening the kiss. He moaned slightly and pulled Kurt closer. This was much better than any of the magazine he had and was way better than any of his fantasies. He had to thank those magazines though, if it wasn't for Azimio doing something like that, Kurt would have never gone with him on that particular adventure….. yup…. This was all Azimio's fault. _Thank you Z!_

**THE END**


End file.
